I was 26 years old and a newlywed, when my husband and I started trying to have a family. I envisioned having a large family. Two girls and a boy to be exact (I mean if I could control it, that’s what I would handpick). The story I painted in my head consisted of chaotic mornings gathering the children to go to school, switching off with my husband to take the kids to soccer practice on the weekends, afternoons with homework and papers spread across the dining room table, and movie nights all piled in our bedroom with three curly headed kiddos snuggling in between us.
The light, that vision began to get dimmer, and dimmer, and dimmer, as time went on and reality started to settle in. That I was experiencing Infertility.
One year after we started trying, I finally consulted with my OBGYN. She started me off on Clomid. It didn’t work. I was on Clomid for MONTHS, until I realized I needed to take it a step further and seek a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
My RE tested, analyzed, month after month and came short of an explanation for my Infertility. “Unexplained”, I remember him saying one morning during our WTF appointment when my 6th IUI did not work.
Unexplained Infertility. The diagnosis with no plan. This would hover over everything I’d for years. I will spare you the details about multiple miscarriages after each IVF, about the depression and emptiness, loss and inability to conceive felt like. Most likely you’ve experienced it, or someone you love. This story is beyond the process and the debilitating emotional and crippling pain each month with empty arms brought me. Because I did end up with my miracle. IVF #3, was successful. Throughout the process of experiencing Infertility, I actively engaged in therapy. I was a regular participant in an Infertility based group therapy. That was the best gift I could give myself. I started to heal. To regain control, reclaim my power. I was no longer defining myself as “I AM Infertile”, because that is NOT who I am, but rather, “I am experiencing Infertility”. It was empowering to start putting my broken pieces back together. I was this grittier, braver, bolder woman, that despite the brokenness fought to put herself together.
In 2019, we made the decision to transfer our two remaining frozen embryos. I felt ready and equipped for either outcome. I had tools in my arsenal, mantras, community support, and a new mindset. So when IVF #4 failed. I was faced with a choice. Do I keep trying to fulfill my vision, my dream of having 3 children, or is it time for me to say “you fought a good fight sis, it is time to release it”. I chose the latter. The truth is, yes, I do have another 10 years in me to try and try and try, but do I want to be in a battalion again. No. Am I capable of reprogramming my dreams and redesigning a new vision. Yes.
So here I am today in 2020, maximizing each day with my ONE child. THE ONE. MY ONLY. And although every now and then I get slight pangs in my chest of adding another again, I no longer yearn for it. I openly and proudly embrace my ONE. It was always supposed to be her and only her. I have my power again. I am free of the weight Infertility caused, and now I can stand whole and present with my miracle.